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I Heard You Looking at Me... by ~DeaconNoble:iconDeaconNoble:



You've got wasabi in your walk
And you mean to spice my guise
Wrench the lies and hear my velvet heartbeat
I've been coldly tempted by a silky scream
But stonily held fast to vanilla
Because you don't see a classic beat
From a caffeine-free come-hither
So bottle the fuzzy and wring-out the wail
You've never tasted blues till you've had it with vinegar
And a coffee-sounding carpet keeps a man grounded
Try all you like with salty smiles
And tactile fumes from lemonade lungs
I've got peppermint singing in my veins
And copper reciting on my tongue
Senses defeat what the senseless try
I heard you looking at me with butterscotch eyes
©2008-2009 ~DeaconNoble
:icondeaconnoble:

Author's Comments

"I Heard You Looking at Me with Butterscotch Eyes"

Came up with it at work. I guess it has a serious subject but I really wrote it just because it was fun.

Comments


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:iconsain-nayuakuioa:
Synisthesia is delicious. I like it.

I'm calling you today, by the way.

--
If my calculations are correct, SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN!
:iconcoplan:
I love the images that are painted from each line of this one. It definitely has a contemporary feel (';peppermint singing in my veins', 'butterscotch eyes';). It's full of these great little original descriptive phrases.

But I have to be honest...the whole thing together seems a little forced. With a tiny bit of refinement, this could be one of your best. Lines 5 through 8, for example, are a little weak. But then you pick up with my favorite line: "You've never tasted blues till you've had it with vinegar"...that could almost stand alone.

--
Coplan
~/ Shutter Photo
:icondeaconnoble:
Thanks for the comments. I'll take it under advisement. But if you see this piece in your deviations again, remember, you asked for it.

--
In truth there is no such thing in man's nature as a settled and full resolve either for good or evil, except at the very moment of execution.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, Twice-Told Tales "Fancy's Show Box"
:iconblank-page-emperor:
Sure looks like it was fun to write. *loathes your imagery in its awesomeness* <_<

I guess it confused me a little bit because I noticed the taste adjectives more readily or frequently than some of the others, but I think I get it.

You should write at work more often. Where do you work? *wanted a new job ANYWAY, but now...*

--
When the ground is shifting from your feet
And the sense you talk is crowned deceit

When you dance past gravity

When the world will not believe

Then dance into a New World
:icondeaconnoble:
It was fun. I am revising it though.

Taste adjectives do really stick out because they are so dynamic. Texture is hard.

Yes, let us always make sure that our lines of work are conducive to writing. Resist the tyranny of the willingly illiterate.

--
In truth there is no such thing in man's nature as a settled and full resolve either for good or evil, except at the very moment of execution.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, Twice-Told Tales "Fancy's Show Box"

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September 15, 2008
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